Yep, Like it or Not, This Is Me

It's day seven and I have to say, wow! For a person who almost always hangs up her hat before seeing a vision completed, I'm impressed. Only twenty-three days left to my goal of thirty consecutive days of shared, conversational, God time.

Before you start getting all judgmental on me and saying to yourself, "Well, doesn't she think she's something!", let me disclose just a piece or two of my inner self that not many people ever see.

I'm a dreamer, but you probably recognize that by all of my lofty attempts to share my ideas, either through artwork, music or words. You may have noticed I mention being a dreamer in my blog description, so you can't say you haven't been warned. What you may not know about this dreamer, however, is how terribly accountable to the approval of others that I have found myself.

Back in the day, I'm talking way, way back, if you knew me it likely never occurred to you that I struggled with the need for approval or acceptance of others. I've always done my own thing, never really followed the crowd as far as trying to fit in with a certain group or idea or whatever.

If you're a high school friend, you knew me as that artist girl with the permed, bleached blond hair who was always carrying around that big paper portfolio heading across the building towards the music hallway. You would have known I was a Christian songwriter if you ever talked with me much, but that's about the deepest thing you knew about me because in no way, whatsoever, did I ever let on that I wanted or needed you to like me.

In college, it was much of the same. I was that artist chick that could always be found somewhere in the fine arts building or practicing with a vocal group somewhere in the campus chapel. For the most part however, even if you were someone that I called friend, you had no idea of how very, very much I wanted and sought your approval and respect, especially your respect.

My point is this, I don't think I'm alone in this need for acceptance, approval or sense of belonging - we all have it. It happened sometime during the creation process as we were knitted into existence, before calling it a day, God dropped in a 'needs others chip' before he let us loose to go on our merry little human way.

Finally, I'm saying it aloud. I need people. I love people and I need to receive whatever others bring to the table and I need to be willing to give of myself at that table, too. This dreamer doesn't want to dream alone, I want us all on that cloud of the next big idea, together.

What about you? Have you ever thought about your need for others? Have you convinced yourself that you're better off alone? Tell me. After all, it's only fair since I've told you mine.

Dear God,

It's kind of cool that you knew all of this stuff about me before I ever got to the place of recognizing it myself. On the other hand, why didn't you help me get real about this part of myself, before? Why am I sitting here at this midpoint in my life, just beginning to understand myself as if I only started this humanity job, yesterday?

Maybe you tried to show me long ago and I was just in denial, but can I now just say it aloud, though I am an artist type if there ever was one, and I can often or practically always be found marching to the beat of a different drummer, I need people.

Past hurts have made me withdraw from your community, God. I grew weary and became disillusioned by all of the smoke and mirrors of religion. I've even gradually began walking away from the light of your love all because of my bull headedness to embrace the reality that just like nearly everybody else, I not only need a relationship with you but I need relationship with other people, too.

So, today, God, as I pour this intimate detail out about myself to the infinite world of the internet and your infinite ocean of resources, I ask that the floodgates of potential friendships be opened. Let me put away my bumps and bruises where they belong, in the safe keeping of the past. Give me courage to continue stepping out in this pursuit of a closer relationship with you as well as with the huge world of possibilities you've so generously provided.