I'm going to start off by admitting one thing right off of the bat - though it's only been fifteen days so far, it's not always been easy to sit myself down and stick to my commitment of opening up a page or two of my life and sharing my thoughts and prayers. It's the opening up part that's been hard - the praying part has actually changed from initially feeling a bit awkward to an activity that I really enjoy.
So, 'Why so stressed about sharing?' I ask myself, admittedly sounding a bit like the Joker in the last Batman movie. Hmm, good question.
In the past I stood and sang solos before huge groups of people and loved it. I led worship, served on creative planning teams and shared openly with my church family, and anyone else who would listen, the many incredible ways in which God had been there for me in my darkest hours of grief. Back then I wrote music and worked with an extremely talented and successful producer which probably should have intimidated me but didn't. No, nothing scared me back then, especially not anything to do with sharing what I knew to be absolutely true of God_ that he is there when you call him.
Today, sharing my thoughts through a faceless blog frightens me. I can think of plenty of excuses and experiences on which to place the blame for my fear but I really see no benefit in that. Instead, right now before praying my shared conversational prayer, I am going to share a few words written by author, Judith C. Lechman from my favorite pink devotional Bible that I told you about a few days ago.
"It is through God's strength that we know courage, and through his power that we know goodness. When we realize this, surrender becomes our priority. Surrendering to him means growth and progress. It is the freedom of moving forward with and through him, so that each of our relationships and all of our work, worship, suffering and play reflect what he wants of us."Dear God,
On this rainy Sunday afternoon I come to you humbled by the reality that it is your strength in my life that's currently missing.
While I realize that this path of sharing my prayer journey is something that I chose and believe I should do, I can't help but question myself for being so 'out there' by exposing my personal thoughts and reflections with anyone and everyone who cares to read them. Still, I'll continue doing what I am doing because I am asking you to give me courage that I'll need as I keep on keeping on, bringing my deepest concerns to you and my joyful thanksgivings, too.
Thank you for the fact that you are allowing me the opportunity to see my shortcomings. Thanks for helping me be moved by your spirit to confess before you and everyone else, the areas in my own life that need some considerable tending.
As I think back on what I just shared a few minutes ago, I can see that the difference in me today compared with the me of several years ago is a measure of absolute trust.
Back then, you had me, God! I knew for a fact that I could not go even one step more after losing my son if you had not been there to help me put one foot in front of the other. I depended on you completely. Even my closest friends and dearest loved ones could not help me the way that you did. Thank you, God, for back then I did learn that I could trust you and now, because of those very clear memories of your faithfulness, I can say that I will trust you again. I trust you, God.
When I begin to hold back my thoughts and ideas of what I need to say in this prayer blog, help me by giving me strength and wisdom. With your strength I can share whatever you put on my heart and I can do so without fear of judgement. As a matter of fact, through praying this very prayer I see that there are many other areas in my life where I also need to trust you.
Help me to trust you regarding my kids and there spiritual well being. They're teenagers God, and we've had so many hard knocks over the years that I am afraid that some of the bad memories of the past will outshine the good ones. Promise me, God, that you will continue to work on Mike and Sydney and speak to them in ways that they are going to hear. Use anything you like, God. Maybe you'll speak to them through a song, friends, an event they attend, something they see on the internet, anything you need to draw them closer to you, use it, and help me to trust you with them. You know how hard it is for me to trust anybody with my sweet babies, but in you I will trust.
Help me to trust you regarding our finances because I want to be an example to others in a good way regarding money. We seem to always have just enough, not a dime more and that keeps me stressed and focused on money way too much. If there are opportunities that you want us to explore regarding ways to increase out income then let us recognize those opportunities and take action. Even if you have a different role for me to play regarding our income potential, let me know and with your strength I will follow wherever you lead.
With my health, I must trust you. I've had a rough few years or so and at this point I am doing everything I can to contribute to my wellness but as you know, I still have some concerns. Help me feel however you need me to feel and let me be okay with whatever you decide. If being forty-five means feeling tired so much even thought I lift weights a few times a week and get some kind of exercise with my dog each day then let me be satisfied with that. You know how I am, God, in my head I still feel like a teenager sometimes so maybe I need to get real about my expectations of the way I should feel or maybe, just maybe, you'll help me find ways to feel even better.
Whatever you decide - however you need to work things, I surrender it all to you because I trust you.
2 Timothy 1:7 (New International Version)
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.
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