A Heart for God's Desire

Some call me a goody two shoes. 

Obviously, they don't know me very well 

because just like everyone else, 

surprise, surprise, 

I have a dark side.

If you're brave, read on.

Right up front I'll tell you that there's nothing sorted or too terribly over the top written here. Hope that doesn't disappoint you.  If I were to write absolutely everything down that this one or that, or especially God, who knows and sees every part of me, happened to witness regarding some of my darker thinking or actions, your screen would immediately get pitch black, making it impossible to read another word.

Don't worry, I won't be going there... for as open and honest as I am trying to be here,
I'm not stupid.

I'm guessing it's the same deal with you.  There is probably a handful or two of people who know practically every less than admirable move you've ever made and some of that handful would be more than happy to rehash every sorted detail with you or anyone else who would listen.  Those same people are the ones who say that they love you, which, speaking from experience, can personally make my dark Vadar-ish side grow instantly darker. That's not exactly a picnic in the park to recognize about myself, but I might as well face it, since it's true.

On the other side of the ever mounding heap of dark yuck is the side of myself that majority of people see.  The other side of me is the side that tries to do what is right, mostly, and sometimes surprisingly, that side of me tries to do what is right even when it's the harder thing to do.

I'm not tooting my own horn regarding this better side of myself, not in the least.  You see, this lighter side of me, this better side that hopefully even more of you come to know, is the product of one thing alone, a desire, in my often divided heart, to know and please God.

That's right, for any good that you find in me, give a heart for God's desire every ounce of credit. Beyond my heart for God there is nothing worthy of a second more of your time.

Dear God,
I am so aware of my need for you. The days upon days that I've neglected to acknowledge my dark side that has often ruled more of me than I care to admit, make me feel unworthy to even begin a prayer to you. Thank you for your graciousness to cut through the mess.

Since praying to you is based on the goodness of who you are and not dependent on any goodness by my own means, I come to you and ask you for the help and light that you are eagerly waiting to pour out to me.

I'm so grateful that you look beyond the good and bad layers of my life and go directly to the heart of the matter, my heart for your desire.

I'm thankful that you know that my heart, confused and misguided as it has often been, belongs to you.  Thank you for sticking by me during those darker days when I could have easily gone either way_ your healing truth and light or the depths of darkness and despair.

Now more than ever,  I'm thankful that I am in tune with my obvious need for you and in tune with what matters most to me, which is that I am real with the truth about you that I know and that I willingly do whatever I can to share it.

I'm thankful for the way that you take my past and toss it aside as if it never existed.  Today is what matters to you God, today and only today.

So, for myself and the untold ba-zillions of others who want to peel back the layers, remind us of your ability to see what really matters.  Remind us that all you ever hope to accomplish in us is that we fully seek to embrace your light.

W2's and other Sticky Subjects

Everything isn't always going to be rosy unless you're one of those people who don't mind walking through life wearing pink glasses.

While I try to look on the bright side of things, every now and then something comes along that threatens my ability to merrily roll along.  Every now and then a potential deal breaker pops up and at once I can feel my body become tense and silently scream, "All bets off!"

Peace stealers come in all different shapes and sizes.  Some come with perfect packaging hiding crummy interiors while others shlep up without trying in the least to hide their joy robbing selves. My most recent peace stealer came in the form of a misplaced W2.

While I am not the most organized person in the world I am pretty reliable when it comes to keeping track of important stuff like insurance policies, major purchase receipts, repair bills, warranties and anything even closely related to tax documents.  In my quest to stay on the somewhat organized side of life, I typically have one location, usually a basket because I love baskets, where I store 'keeper' mail until I have time to actually sit down and file each piece into its appropriate folder or whatever.

So, you ask yourself, how then does such an almost fairly well organized individual misplace an all important W2?

Long story short, in that catch all basket of papers waiting to be filed there was an instance of unidentified bonding that occurred. One envelope of minor importance somehow attached itself to the missing envelope of major importance containing the missing W2.  With the not so important envelope's backside sticking to the front of the all important envelope holding the W2, it was next to impossible to detect the presence of the W2.

Given that I have just described the unfortunate circumstance of the sticky envelopes, I obviously eventually found my much sought after, missing W2.  True, it was at around 12:30 AM but still, the mission was accomplished.

I share all of this to say_

Sometimes, 

the important stuff in life is way too easily overlooked  

Sometimes, 

when you realize how desperately you need the overlooked important stuff 

it can take a surprisingly long while to find it

Sometimes, 

what you are so sincerely searching for 

has been there all along

Dear God,
It's day twenty-four of thirty, so, it's been about three and a half weeks that I've been praying to you in this blog.  In the grand scheme of things, that is practically no time at all.  As you know, it has been years that I have been searching for the best way to reach you and return to that wonderful place of unwavering and satisfying faith.  Come to find out, all I ever had to do to be close to you like I use to be was to take the time to speak with you, one on one, each and every day.  All along, you were just one gentle mention away.

Now that I am here, now that I'm talking with you again, I want to stay.

I don't want to return to the wandering years of restlessness and questioning.  I don't want to return to the reading of every spiritual book that happens to hit the bestseller list hoping to find the joy in life, which by the way, is simply found in personally knowing you.

Thank you again for this prayer journey that you placed on my heart to follow because without this time with you I have no doubt at all that I would still be floundering around in the dessert of life, hopelessly searching for answers to questions that don't matter.

Today, God, I ask that you allow me to be of some service to those who are currently searching for you.

Let me be light to those on the dark path of misguided spirituality who have a hunger for understanding their purpose but who look to false teachings to find it.  So many people post daily horoscopes and lucky numbers and such on FaceBook and Twitter and forward useless chain letters in effort to feed their human desire to understand what life is really all about.  They cling to empty promises as they hope to somehow grab hold of reason or luck...


Please, let me be of some sort of service to these dear ones with hungry hearts who, though they may not realize it, long to be connected to you.

Sometimes, 

we look for meaning in all the wrong places while all along, 

you, 

the One True God and Creator of All 

who declared a time and purpose for everything under heaven, 

have been just one prayer away.

New Smyrna Beach

The idea that God is interested in knowing us rather than interested in whatever gift, talent or ability that we have to bring to his table causes me to think back to this past Saturday afternoon at New Smyrna Beach.

My kids are currently on Spring Break  and needless to say, that means that I am on a bit of a break from routine, too.  Suddenly, there are trips to the store, rides to and from friends, rides for friends and basically just a great deal of additional coming and going happening in our home.

Saturday was a little out of the ordinary in that at around two thirty in the afternoon, Sydney didn't have the next eight to ten hours booked with endless friends and activities.  It was unusually calm and days before, she and I had talked about wanting to get some serious beach time in during the break, so seizing this opportunity, Sydney and I headed to New Smyrna Beach for what was left of the afternoon.

I knew it would be busier than usual, what with Spring Break and all of the tourists and such, but I hadn't anticipated the amount of traffic we experienced.  Both ways, to and from the beach were slow going, which surprisingly, wasn't all that aggravating to me.

On the way to the beach, we listened to a new mixed CD she'd put together for us and laughed at all of the unusual sounds she'd compiled.  On the way home, we continued our conversation that we'd had walking along the somewhat chilly shoreline, flip flops in hand.

We discussed what I've been blogging about and I was able to share with her how much closer I feel I've come to God over the last twenty or so days because of the prayer blogging.  We talked about what I had written that day regarding forgiving our neighbor for the sadness he created and I told her how God had made it clear to me that I had to be free of the grudge I'd not entirely been owning.  I explained how much lighter I felt inside for having given that burden to God.  Even as I talked about it with her, my spirit felt lighter than it had in years.

The beauty of the beach was expected and obvious, I mean, who doesn't look out into sky so blue and endless ocean and feel at least a little taste of awe and wonder?  The beauty I found in the time talking with my daughter that afternoon amazingly out shined the majestic sunlight dancing on the glistening water.

As we talked and talked and talked some more, I could see Sydney taking in the things that I shared with her about God loving us and wanting time with us more than anything else.  I saw her ponder the confession I shared about that grudge and I could tell that everything that I had said registered with her on a level that I'm not sure I've ever witnessed before.

While sitting in that traffic of confused tourists trying to find their way, our continuing conversation led us to an awesome God who deeply loves us, who longs to personally know us just as we are.  In our conversation sitting in tourist traffic, I believe that the God who created all we had just enjoyed at the beach joined us on that journey home and absolutely delighted in the time we shared.

Dear God,

It's hard to describe how closely I felt you on our ride home from the beach the other day.  It was so interesting as I could see that my daughter was listening with a new intensity and I was was talking with a new freedom.

I've known you all of my life and I cannot begin to count how many times I've felt your undeniable love and kindness, but right now, during this journey of blogged conversational prayer, you are closer to my heart than you've ever been and I can sense your continued closeness in even my most mundane tasks.  Because I am asking you to be in my day and be in the lives of those I love and to show us your desires  for us and lead us to a closer relationship with you, you are here and I can't even tell you how good it is to know that you are so near!

There is an old song that we use to sing in church when I was growing up that said you are as close as the mention of your name, and as I call out to you in prayer, I find that song to be one hundred percent true.

I call and you answer.  I ask for you to show your love to my family and draw them into a new and more intimate relationship with you and before my eyes I see your miraculous hand in doing just that.

I know that I cannot manipulate the clock in regard to how, when or where you will further establish your rightful place in the lives of those I love and care about, but I know that you have heard my prayer and that you are active in the hearts of those I pray for even when I am unable to notice.

So, today I come to you and tell you that I trust you in a more tangible way than I ever have before.  I trust you and I am in awe that you love me this much.  I am humbled, God, because I know nothing I do and nothing I can become will ever be deserving of this incredible gift of love that you've lavished on me.  You love me so much because you are God and greater love has no man, than you.

Before I close in prayer, I ask that you draw me even closer because the more of you that I get to enjoy, the more of you I want.

I also ask that for all of the people who stay away from you because they honestly and truly feel they have walked too far away or believe that they have nothing to offer you and deem themselves unworthy, please God, oh please, let them sense in their heart that you love them exactly as they are and that nothing would make you happier than for them to ask for you to be with them, just like you are here with me, right now.

A One Thing, God

It's day twenty-two of thirty and the very best thing to come out of this blogged conversational prayer time, so far, is a very simple idea that I honestly never gave much thought. 


God generously created each of us with unique characteristics, talents, abilities, personalities and the like. Though he does want us to use our precious little selves to bring glory and honor to his name, that's not at all what he desires most. 


More than your talent, more than your clever methods of teaching, more than those great cookies you bake for the bake sale and more than the hours you spend getting the church grounds ready for that upcoming special service, God wants you.  


God just wants you.


No kidding, that's it. The rest of the stuff, like the great way that you meet and greet or the lofty way you hit that high note in your solo, is the icing on the cake that you bring to his table when he has finally captured your heart.  


If you have ever felt as if you can't come to God empty handed, with nothing out of the ordinary to offer him, you can put your self doubt and uneasiness aside because you actually have the one thing that he's always wanted, you.


Dear God, 
Thank you for this simple concept that you brought to my attention today.  The whole idea is that all you really need from me, is me!  That makes it so easy to come to you in prayer because I know that I'm prepared for the occasion because by humbling myself in prayer to you, I'm bringing everything that you want.


You're nothing like anyone I've ever known. With you there are no terms, no conditions, not a single line of unreadable tiny print.


You simply want me, God. I'm the one item on your list that completes your shopping. You don't need me to come to you with fancy packaging or nifty talents, skills or abilities. I can talk to you and delight your heart by just being myself.


Thank you that I see this more clearly now, God.  Thank you that talking with you each of these 22 days has brought me to this place of recognizing these little things that make all of the difference in the world. 


I feel as if I have won the grand prize!


You know exactly what I mean. You see my heart, you sense me joy.  
You celebrate this moment of clarity with me.


All that you want from me, is me and that makes me want even more of you.

Time To Grow Up

First thing on my mind this morning is that today is day twenty-one in my thirty day journey of blogged conversational prayer.

Second thing that comes to mind is, Hey, it's day twenty-one...  time to grow up!

Grow up,  I think to myself?  What is that suppose to mean?

Quickly it comes to mind that it means what it says, Grow up, already!

If it's possible for a person's own thoughts to ruffle their own feathers I must admit that right now, mine are a bit ruffled.

Immediately I start surveying my thinking and it doesn't take too long before the pebble of discomfort in my glass slippers reveals itself loud and clear.

Got a grudge?


Ah, there it is... unforgiveness.

I've always had plenty of people who appreciate me so it's easy to put aside the ones who absolutely don't and who, in turn, I not only don't particularly care for but one or two that I wouldn't mind seeing getting a dose of what I think they have coming to them.

Uh-oh.  Here we are... pure bred, grudge.

Could anything look sillier than a grown person throwing themselves on the floor and lashing about in a temper tantrum befitting a three year old?

To me, that's what I see in my mind's eye when I consider the possibility of how I look to God when I hold a grudge.  When I just can't let it go, when I cling to my rightness in a situation gone wrong like a child clings to the toy at Target and yelps in a fit of rage when the parent says to put it back.

I had a dream this week of neighbors of ours inviting us for a cookout.  I woke from the dream, startled.

In trying to make sense of the dream I began replacing the neighbors in the dream with other neighbors, ones who actually like us.  You see, the neighbors in the dream do not like us.

It's been one of the hardest situations I've ever dealt with in my entire life.  Lines were crossed that I haven't allowed myself to get past.  It doesn't help the situation in that it's justifiably terribly sandy down here in the Sunshine State, so, drawing the proverbial line in the sand has been super easy to do with these folks.

See how I can turn it into something funny? That's how I avoid things. That's how I tactfully cover the hurt so that it's a more attractive and practically fashionable, accessory.

It's time for me to erase that line, to invite the power of the Holy Spirit to blow the sand away and create a genuinely fresh, clean slate.

They hurt me deeper than anyone ever has_ they threatened my child.

I've told myself that I have every right to keep my distance and that they should be thanking us every single day that we didn't press charges then and there and legally tarnish the records and prove without a shadow of doubt, our rightness.

I have no rightness but through the forgiving blood of Christ that was not only shed for me, but was intended to cover everyone, everywhere, throughout history.  That blanket of forgiveness includes those who do not like me and it even includes those who threaten my child.

Dear God,

I really do want to grow up.  It is day twenty-one in this prayer journey but truth be told is that in regard to being aware of your  forgiveness and your love in my own life, I'm practically a senior citizen...  I should know better!

I should be able to turn the other cheek a thousand times or at least seventy times seven as it mentions in the Bible!  What is wrong with me? Why can't I let this go and leave it all to you to sort out?  Have I not received one hundred percent forgiveness for my own wrong doings every time that I come to you and ask?

This man who threatened us does not claim to be a child of yours.  For all I know, all he has ever known in a parent is one who violently raised his or her hand to him or maybe was never present to give a care at all. For all I know he was abandoned and helpless and had to fight every day of his childhood just to survive.  Maybe he's just mean spirited because that is what he desires to be, but whatever the reason for the hurt he has caused us, your love for him, for all of us, is bigger than any pain. Your love for each of us is greater than any darkness, chosen or not.

I know that to be fully in your will today, God, I have to completely lay down every hint of hurt that I carry around because of this unfortunate situation that has created a valley of divide.  I know that you intended to reach the entire lost world through the sacrifice of Jesus on the Cross.  I know that having died on the cross and rising days after is to serve as testimony that nothing, not even the darkness of death can defeat the undeniable, living power of God.

So, today, God, I put this hurt at the foot of your cross and with it I put every vindictive thought of settling the score and every below the radar distance that I have used to keep the separation alive.

I forgive because I am forgiven, even now.

Thank you for forgiving me.  I sense your cleansing power.  How can I ever repay you?

Priceless

I have to start out by saying that yesterday's blogged prayer time was so good.  If you read the blog prayer I am curious as to the impression it left so, let me know.

As I wrote the prayer I was praying - the sense of peace and the connection with God was amazing.  As a matter of fact, I am happy to share that  I believe that prayer set the tone for the entire rest of my day.  Here's what I mean.

After publishing the blog my heart was overwhelmed with a sense that God heard my prayer.  I felt incredibly met by him and I think that because of this special time with him, I was more than a little excited to get  on with my day.

Immediately following my writing time I grabbed a quick swig of warmed up coffee, put on my gym shoes and headed out of the door with Bear-bear.  Next, I called my Mom to check on her because the day before, I'd been told by my niece that she hadn't been feeling very well.

When I heard Mom's voice I could tell that she felt uneasy, which quickly drew my five alarm senses to attention.  She said the doctor had called and wanted her to come in that morning in re to her CT scan she'd taken the week before. Inside my head I heard my gears try to shift into full worry mode but the words from my mouth were not nearly so frazzled. Instead, I spoke calmly and encouraged my Mom to keep her spirits up and not allow herself to go to the bad thoughts that so eagerly want to flood our minds in moments like these.

Because of that prayer time, I was a hopeful, positive and strong woman for my Mom.  Priceless. 

After hanging up with my Mom because my sister-in-law had arrived to drive her to her appointment, I called my husband to pour out my concern for Mom and ask that he pray for her, too. That conversation was comforting and it helped me let go of the resurging feelings of panic. After hanging up with Joe, I prayed for Mom and thanked God for the relationship that Joe and I now share.

My sister picked up and I could tell she was a bit concerned when she heard my voice because we don't talk as often as most people think. Life gets to us sometimes, I suppose.  Bren gives one thousand percent of herself to her family and I'm so proud of that.  Her two adult daughters have a solid, loving and compassionate woman to assist and guide them when necessary.  Hell or high water, my sister is a woman with a tender heart that comes to your side and goodness shines through, every time.

When she heard my voice, like I said, I could tell she was a little worried right out of the gate.  I felt I needed to let her know what was going on with Mom as we might need to jump into action.

Funny how that is, my sister and I being the only two daughters out of the six of us always think that one of us need to be there for Mom rather than counting on the guys, one of whom lives less than a mile from my Mom.

Long story short is that throughout the day, I had a peace that was indescribable re my concerns about my Mom.  Yes, I did shed a few tears and prayed in an ongoing sort of way but overall, the day progressed as days always do and I accomplished all that I was meant to accomplish with ease, including a SAC meeting late in the day where I sat around a table with wonderfully committed educators, community leaders and caring parents discussing all that matters to Community Learning Center West.

I talked with my niece re my Mom's doctor visit which addressed some symptoms she's been having without a doomsday diagnosis.  Mom was doing alright.

Roasted chicken for dinner and some TV time watching a recorded episode of Survivor with Joe and the kids.

A terribly scary day gone good is the only way to describe it.

I believe I owe it all to the magnificent time that I shared with God, and you, that morning.

Dear God,
I am so thankful that it ended up being less than I had feared in regard to my Mom.  She's such a blessing to me  and I am so grateful for how well she is doing for a woman in her mid eighties.

Thank you for that time of prayer yesterday that absolutely and without a doubt fueled my hearts focus throughout a day that would otherwise have felt tormenting, riddled with worry and fear.

Thank you for the place you have helped Joe and I get to where I can share with him the things that cause me concern and he can listen and offer honest support and encouragement.  I can lean on him now more than ever before and I know that you are to thank for that rock quality (the good kind) I have found in him.

I'm so thankful for my sister-in-law who always comes to my Mom's aide and not only escorts her to countless doctor visits and such, but who genuinely loves my Mom and gives her very best effort every time. Bless her, God, with the peace and healing that I know she desires and keep her thoughts on your goodness.

Thank you for my niece who has a very precious and dear relationship with my Mom.  She's gone through so much over the years but her devotion and love for my Mom never miss a beat.  She's beautiful_ a wonderful loving and forgiving type of a person, which is so rare these days.  Please bless her with an even closer relationship with you so that she can have everything her heart needs in this life_  a life filled with your mercy and grace.

My dear sister, be with her as she faces the challenges of being true to herself and who she wants to be as well as being who she feels she has to be in the role of the Pastor's wife and the ever giving daughter , sister and Mom she's been every day of her selfless life.

For Mike And Sydney, bless this time of Spring Break.  Fill their hearts with love and compassion and let us spend quality time enjoying and appreciating who you've created each of us to be.  Help them to have time with true friends, friends who want only good things for them and please God, keep the others away.  Give me the patience and energy to do whatever I can to make this time the best it can be.

More than anything else, continue to be there when I call, as you promised you will be, and let me know that you are there without a shred of doubt.  Nudge me to keep making the call to you each day so that every day can be sweeter than the day before.


The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures; he leads me beside still waters; he restores my soul. He leads me in right paths for his name’s sake.

Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I fear no evil; for you are with me; your rod and your staff – they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord my whole life long.

     Psalm 23 (New International Version)

A psalm of David.

 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

  He makes me lie down in green pastures, 

       he leads me beside quiet waters,

  he restores my soul. 

       He guides me in paths of righteousness 

       for his name's sake.

 Even though I walk 

       through the valley of the shadow of death,

       I will fear no evil, 

       for you are with me; 

       your rod and your staff, 

       they comfort me.

 You prepare a table before me 

       in the presence of my enemies. 

       You anoint my head with oil; 

       my cup overflows.

 Surely goodness and love will follow me 

       all the days of my life, 

       and I will dwell in the house of the LORD 

       forever.

New Day New Dream

It's not so much a new dream as it is a revised dream.  My internal tour guide has always been focused on one destination,  to use my gifts and abilities to creatively share what I know to be true.

So, Yesterday, I dove a bit into the past and honestly, I feel a bit ashamed for indulging in the darker bits of my memories.  As a matter of fact, shorty after I published my very unedited post, I flipped on a favorite speaker and no kidding, this verse was the very first thing that I heard...

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.

See, I am doing a new thing!

Isaiah 43:18, 19   

So, is God saying for me to forget about the past?

Did he want me to feel a bit sheepish that I brought up another old hurt in order to express what was truly on my heart?

I'm not entirely sure, but today, in my mind's eye, I have an image of God sitting in the judges row just like where Simon Cowell sits on the stage of American Idol.

God is seated in a chair that swivels and his entire being is gently twisting back and forth, from left to right.  I'm thinking that might be suggesting that I hadn't needed to dig so deeply into the past for references.  I'm thinking there is plenty happening right now that I ought to be dealing with and that if I do that, wholeheartedly and with upmost transparency, something that I share will  ressonate with you and this shared conversational payer journey will really do something good.

It's a new day and with this new day, God intends on doing a new thing. He doesn't hold yesterday against any of us, he only cares about your decision right now.

Yes, if you have some stuff that you need to ask him to forgive you for from your past, by all means, ask him and receive the forgiveness that awaits you just for the asking.  Then, however, and this is so, so important, put away that thing you need forgiveness for once and for all, and focus on what you are doing, today. 

If you pray and ask him to be with you, the one who created heaven and earth, will be with you.

Emmanuel, God with us.

Dear God.
How kind you are to point out my wrong turns without kicking me to the curb for not 'just knowing' what to do all of the time without making all of these blundering mistakes.

Thank you for loving me enough to point out my errors so that I can do better the next time.

Can I ask ahead of time for forgiveness for the next big boo boo that I inflict on my life or do I need to wait until it actually happens and come to you again asking for forgiveness as my day by day journey reveals the next calamity?

Wait, no need to answer that, God.  I know the answer.  I need to think only about today because the Bible says that tomorrow will take care of itself.

Life in you is so freeing, God.

I want everyone to know this incredible gift we each have waiting for us if we'd only make the time to talk with you each day.

Mom, I finally get it!  I finally know, firsthand, what a great friend I have in Jesus!  He came so that I might have this direct line to the big guy, himself.  I can talk to the God of Wonders just as I am and he will always, always be there to listen.  He will never fail to hear my cries.

I'm crying tears of joy right now.

I know that I know that you hear me, God!  You hear and delight in this written conversational prayer from little old me_ little old, live life by the seat of my pants, me.

All that I ask of you today, God, is that I never ever let this profound gift of prayer escape me.  Please help me convey the wonderful power for living that just a little daily time talking with you can bring.

This is not meant just for me, God.  This is for everybody.  But thanks for drawing me near to you and for allowing me to be on this 30 day blogged prayer journey.  Thank you for giving me to a Mom that has never stopped believing_ never ceased to pray.

I won't look back for where you might have wanted me to go, I only look ahead to see what choices you have for me, today.

Please, no turing back for me.

I won't look back.  I won't look back.

Dream Stealer

When recently waking my son for school,  he greeted my efforts with uncharacteristic harshness and a dark, dramatic chuckle...

"Dream stealer!" he bellowed out in the best he could muster, half asleep grumpy old man, tone.

In the many mornings of waking my wonderful son, thankfully, I never recall him addressing me that way.

I was startled by his words and they returned my thoughts to a long, long time ago...

The first memory was of him when he was just a toddler, cheeks the shape of two giant jawbreakers and as smooth as the silky top of a newly opened jar of peanut butter.  In those days, Mike greeted me every morning, without fail, "Good to see you, Mommy!"

Oh, the pleasure in remembering that precious boy face saying those sweet, welcoming words.  I could hardly wait for him to get up each morning because his loving greeting was music to my ears_ it put the bounce in my young mom, steps.  Mike is my dream come true, first born.  In his tender eyes back then, I think I may have been a dream maker, rather than a dream stealer.

The second memory brought to mind is not so pleasant. Though it takes me way, way, waaaayyyy back to a time during my adolescence it has a vicious superpower villain force that can strip a smile straight off of my face in a flash.

I'd been finishing up high school and was trying to sort through all of those huge decisions such as where I should go to college and what I should study.  At the same time, things were pretty hectic at home as my parents were retiring and planning to relocate out of state.

It happened at a family dinner in my sister's home.  I don't think we were celebrating a special event or anything, it was just me and my parents, my sister and her family, a couple of my brothers and their families sharing a casual, Sunday after church, dinner.

Sometime after the blessing and before I'd finished making my way around the adults table filling my plate with food before returning to the kids table, somebody asked the question.

"So, what are you planning to study in college?"

 Without an ounce of hesitation I answered confidently, "Music and art."

Different ones said this or that about some of my art and music experiences along with the typical sentiments expected to be heard when a young persons' hopes and dreams are being revealed and pondered.  Then from out of nowhere, when someone was talking about the songs I had written and how there were specialized schools for music that I might want to investigate, heavy hitting words entered my head like giant stones.  Recalling those words can still make blue skies turn gray.

"Well, hopefully you're not thinking that you're the next Amy Grant or something, 'cause that'll never happen!"

At that time, Amy Grant was just making a name for herself and I probably listened to her album at least three or four times a week.  I remember learning to play a couple of her songs on the piano.

Before those words were spoken, I really hadn't seen myself as becoming the next anybody.  I had felt compelled to do my own thing via the arts.

By art and music teachers, classmates and friends, based on performance, I'd been encouraged to pursue the arts practically all of my life. I had never gone out looking for music or art, but rather, it was as if they had somehow found me.

Despite the collective positive support in my life, the words of an older sibling over a crowded dinner table struck me down like a knife in the darkness.  I hadn't anticipated such a blow from this person, ever, and I couldn't put it into context at the time so, unfortunately, the destructive words reeked havoc on my confidence for a very long time.

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." 

Bones grow back!  

We tend our broken bones, a doctor confirms the injury and friends acknowledge our boo-boo by signing the awkward cast and maybe even give us flowers or candy.  In due time, when the cast comes off, we're all better!  Words, however, once they're spoken, are out there for all of eternity.  To make it worse, it's possible that nobody else ever hears the damaging words, only you. Words can create doubt. Doubt steals dreams.

Like I shared with you the other day, what comes out of our mouth, matters!
After all, nobody wants to be called a dream stealer, do they?

Hi, God.
Yes, I did bring up an old injury but thankfully God, whenever a yucky memory surfaces to rear its ugly head, you help me sort through the mess of potentially tormenting words and I am reminded again of all of the many ways you always meet my needs, even the quiet unvoiced ones.

Having experienced the pain of poorly chosen words at such a difficult transitioning time in my life has made me especially thoughtful regarding the words that I choose to speak into the lives of the young people in my life.  I try to leave a window of possibility in my conversations with my own kids as well as their friends.  I try to listen more than I speak and I acknowledge whatever gifts or abilities that I recognize in them.

So, thank you God for allowing that tough time in my own life to produce some sensitivity in me that I believe you have used to benefit others.  I love how you turn the bad things in life into some kind of good.

You amaze me that way, God.  So much of what I've considered to be devastating in life has created beauty in its wake.  You've turned my mourning into dancing and lifted my sorrow, time and time, again!

Psalm 30:11

New Living Translation (©2007)

You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. 

You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy,

Again God, I ask of you today, tomorrow and for all of the days to follow, make me aware of how powerful my own words can be and help me to build others up with the words that I speak.  Thank you for every encouraging, uplifting and inspiring word that I get to share.

__________________________________________________________________________________

Funny how things come together sometimes...

My niece sent me this forward just as I was closing my prayer.  Also, today is day 18 of my 30 day journey of blogged conversational prayer.  I'd love to hear what you think of it so far, so leave a comment or simply check a box to share your thoughts.

There are four things that you cannot recover in life:
The stone after it's thrown.
The word after it's said.
The occasion after it's missed
The time after it's gone.

Chair Stealer

Our cat, Gizmo, 
an eleven year old Himalayan, 
has a number of issues that would take 
days and days of blog posts to describe.

Gizmo is simply so silly, sometimes.

Gizmo tends to want whatever it is that someone else has, especially when it comes to a cozy place to sit.  I can be sitting in a chair reading for a few minutes, get up and walk about ten feet to refill a cup of coffee and by the time I return to my chair, Gizmo has tucked himself neatly into my spot.  Mind you, there are plenty of other chairs he could sit on and a roomy couch, too.  He literally appears out of nowhere_  it's as if he's lurking in the shadows just waiting to claim what clearly and rightfully belongs to someone else.  Momo, as we affectionately call him, steals chairs so frequently that the kids and I made up a little jingle explaining that he's a chair stealer.

As goofy as Momo's chair stealing may sound, believe me, chair stealing is just the tip of the simply so silly Gizmo iceberg.

Trust, or lack of trust, is another biggie in the lengthy list of "Giz-ssues".  I was told that the family we adopted Gizmo from when he was only two, had experienced some unfortunate domestic conflict. Giz, though very loved by one of his owners, began to hide and cower in fear which is why Gizmo was given up.  His rocky past seems to have had lasting repercussions.  To this day, from time to time Gizmo just wigs out for no reason whatsoever and looks at us, his family that has fed, loved and cared for his every need for nearly a decade, as if one of us is about to attack.  Seriously, one minute you can be cheerfully talking to Gizmo, petting him and telling him what a handsome kitty he is as he joyfully purrs his curly whiskers off and the next, his tiny little ears fall back as if the wind has started to blow really hard, then he rears up on his hind legs and poses one perfectly mittened paw to prepare to pop you one wherever he can reach.

No, kidding.  We've all experienced Gizmo's flip flopping affection.  It's hilarious and sad all at the same time.  I mean, you'd think that after all of these years of love he could let his little guard down, relax a bit and soak up all of the rewards of being our precious pet without reverting so readily, to the fear.  After all, Momo has a home filled with love and affection, yet he continues to behave as if the other proverbial shoe is going to drop at any second making his safe and comfy world come violently crashing down.

Sometimes I wonder if God looks at me the way that I look at Gizmo.

How many times do I hesitate or even retreat before taking a simple step towards fulfilling a small act of kindness that my spirit felt compelled to offer a friend, neighbor or family member?  Inside my head and heart I hear the implied doubt and mistrust putting in their worthless two cents as soon as the notion to do something nice crosses my mind.  What if they don't like it when I send them an encouraging card or email?  What if I call and they don't want to talk and take my call as an act of prying and self service?  Maybe they don't even really like me all that much?  Finally, I conclude that the little nudging on my heart that made me think of doing something nice is nothing more than a bad idea.  Yes,  I allow myself to believe, if I do this nice thing that I'm thinking of doing, surely something bad is going to happen!

Simply so silly, God must be thinking to himself as he watches me discard those thoughts of doing something nice for someone for fear of rejection, blatantly dismissing his precious prompting.  Simply so silly, he likely shakes his head and looks ahead to just how many years of faithfulness  he will have to show me before I finally accept that when I feel the nudge to do something nice I can trust that the best thing to do is to just do it!

If you hear me on nothing else, believe me when I say that in my experiences so far, even the slightest inclination to do anything good for anyone else without expecting something in return is beyond our human capabilities except for the when the goodness of God comes pushing through the junk because he wants nothing more than for us to experience the incredible joy that comes from giving.

How many times, may I ask, have you caught yourself deciding against making that phone call to a friend you haven't heard from in a long time?  How many times did you not just drop a card in the mail to the person that you heard was going through a difficult time and could use some cheering up?  How many times have you skipped buying that cup of coffee for your coworker  and skipped calling your brother just because you want them to know that you care?

Dear God,
Again, I want to start my prayer buy saying a great big thank you for all of the little things that you have been bringing to my attention over these past two weeks of praying to you in conversational prayer.  Even everyday stuff like our crazy little cat  is helping me think of life in terms of the bigger picture that I believe you want me to see.

I want to be free to be myself and act on the heart nudges to do something nice without any second guessing.  I want to be able to sense your touch on my thinking and obey whatever it is that you place on my mind to do without weighing any possible outcome.

Help me to trust you.  I know I keep repeating that request but honestly, I still need to ask for your help to trust more fully.

I'm sure you understand the doubt that causes me to back away from the opportunities to give freely and invest in another 'just because' but I do think that enough is enough!

There's an old saying that no act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.  Well, that's how I want to view the nudges on my heart that you so generously provide.  You want me to experience the pure goodness that comes from being a giver like you.  You are the one who inspires every thoughtful idea and action that I have and I want to honor your gift to me by sharing whatever it is that you suggest, with whomever you place on my heart.

My phone is charged, my stamps are ready and I'm already logged on.

Whenever you're ready, God.

:o)
____________________________________________________________________

A song from a few years ago just came to mind and it fits the idea that just like my strange little cat, we could all use a little fixing. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=skUJ-B6oVDQ

Mama Always Says

After dropping Sydney off at school this morning I heard a DJ refer to a familiar scripture from Ephesians 4:29 which reminded me of a quote that I often shared with my kiddos during the earlier years of their childhood.  It was a line from the animated film, Bambi. This quote has been spoken so many times that whenever any of us begin saying the first couple of words of the phrase, we all join in using the same slow and steady, southern-ish drawl as the adorable bunny character, Thumper.

"Mama always says... if you don't have somethin' nice to say...  then don't say anything at all."

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."  Ephesians 4:29 (New International Version)

Lately, I'm happily noticing that it is easier than ever to think before I speak.  Maybe it's wisdom that comes with age but I honestly believe that the recent awareness regarding every word that comes out of my mouth has much to do with my prayer journey.


Even while in the car with my only been driving for a week, fifteen year old daughter, I choose the words that I say rather than just belting 'em out.  Sure, my foot has hit the invisible brakes on the passenger side of our van more than once, but my mouth, thankfully, has been quite selective.

I know that just because I'm taking the time to talk with God in prayer through this blog doesn't mean that I will always successfully hold my tongue and only say things at the appropriate time or in the perfect way, but I do believe that having a talk with God makes all of the difference in the world regarding the words that are spoken into the ears and hearts of my dear ones.

Dear God, I've heard it said that it takes at least a thousand "that-a boys" to erase just one negative comment from someone's memory.  Man, oh man, do I ever have a lot of that-a boys that I need say!

You know I'm not really the gossipy type but my mouth certainly can tear a person to pieces in a heartbeat if they even come close to attacking me or anyone that I love.

When I was just a kid, one of my sister-in-laws once told me that I would make a great lawyer and now that I'm older, I understand what she was really saying.

I have a quick temper and a potentially hazardous way with words whenever I am crossed or passionate about an issue.  Unfortunately, I'm sure that my husband can testify to this and know without a doubt that my children are well aware of my sometimes big mouth and God, you know every single word that has ever passed my lips and even the awful ones that I've thought but not said...

Forgive me for my quick temper and my violent tongue that have definitely reeked havoc in the past. Please continue to help me think before I speak and only speak words that are edifying.  Help me with the ones I only think of saying, too. When I get to heaven I know that I want to hear good words from you, so I need to take full responsibility for choosing what I say, especially when I am hurt or angry.  Also, keep my voice and thoughts from words of doubt and disbelief because I am believing that even thinking those words makes you sad.

While growing up, I can remember my Mom going about her daily tasks around the house singing this old chorus that said,

Victory, victory shall be mine.  

Victory, victory shall be mine!  

If I hold my peace, and let the Lord fight my battles.  
If I hold my peace, and let the Lord fight my battles.

Victory, victory shall be mine.

Thank you for the little bit of progress in thinking before I speak that I've noticed since beginning this journey of conversational prayer time and thank you for all of those times, way back when, that a fluffy little animated rabbit served as a reminder, too. Thank you, that I can sense that you are with me and are helping me and thank you that I have chosen to take this intentional time to talk with you.

Unless  and until I return to school to become an attorney, please, oh please, Lord, keep me reminded of the need to hold my peace so that the victories can be many, and the wounded be few.

Halftime

Day fifteen out of my thirty day journey in prayer is here! I've made it through the first two quarters without losing too much ground and there's only two more left to go - halftime!  If I had some incredibly entertaining advertisement to play for you in this very spot like they do during the Super Bowl - wouldn't that be hilarious?

I'm going to start off by admitting one thing right off of the bat - though it's only been fifteen days so far, it's not always been easy to sit myself down and stick to my commitment of opening up a page or two of my life and sharing my thoughts and prayers.  It's the opening up part that's been hard - the praying part has actually changed from initially feeling a bit awkward to an activity that I really enjoy.

So, 'Why so stressed about sharing?' I ask myself, admittedly sounding a bit like the Joker in the last Batman movie.  Hmm, good question.

In the past I stood and sang solos before huge groups of people and loved it. I led worship, served on creative planning teams and shared openly with my church family, and anyone else who would listen, the many incredible ways in which God had been there for me in my darkest hours of grief.  Back then I wrote music and worked with an extremely talented and successful producer which probably should have intimidated me but didn't.  No, nothing scared me back then, especially not anything to do with sharing what I knew to be absolutely true of God_  that he is there when you call him.

Today, sharing my thoughts through a faceless blog frightens me.  I can think of plenty of excuses and experiences on which to place the blame for my fear but I really see no benefit in that.  Instead, right now before praying my shared conversational prayer, I am going to share a few words written by author, Judith C. Lechman from my favorite pink devotional Bible that I told you about a few days ago.

"It is through God's strength that we know courage, and through his power that we know goodness.  When we realize this, surrender becomes our priority.  Surrendering to him means growth and progress.  It is the freedom of moving forward with and through him, so that each of our relationships and all of our work, worship, suffering and play reflect what he wants of us."

Dear God,
On this rainy Sunday afternoon I come to you humbled by the reality that it is your strength in my life that's currently missing.

While I realize that this path of sharing my prayer journey is something that I chose and believe I should do, I can't help but question myself for being so 'out there' by exposing my personal thoughts and reflections with anyone and everyone who cares to read them.  Still, I'll continue doing what I am doing because I am asking you to give me courage that I'll need as I keep on keeping on, bringing my deepest concerns to you and my joyful thanksgivings, too.


Thank you for the fact that you are allowing me the opportunity to see my shortcomings.  Thanks for helping me be moved by your spirit to confess before you and everyone else, the areas in my own life that need some considerable tending.

As I think back on what I just shared a few minutes ago, I can see that the difference in me today compared with the me of several years ago is a measure of absolute trust.

Back then, you had me, God!  I knew for a fact that I could not go even one step more after losing my son if you had not been there to help me put one foot in front of the other.  I depended on you completely.  Even my closest friends and dearest loved ones could not help me the way that you did. Thank you, God, for back then I did learn that I could trust you and now, because of those very clear memories of your faithfulness, I can say that I will trust you again.  I trust you, God.

When I begin to hold back my thoughts and ideas of what I need to say in this prayer blog, help me by giving me strength and wisdom.  With your strength I can share whatever you put on my heart and I can do so without fear of judgement.  As a matter of fact,  through praying  this very prayer I see that there are many other areas in my life where I also need to trust you.

Help me to trust you regarding my kids and there spiritual well being. They're teenagers God, and we've had so many hard knocks over the years that I am afraid that some of the bad memories of the past will outshine the good ones.  Promise me, God, that you will continue to work on Mike and Sydney and speak to them in ways that they are going to hear.  Use anything you like, God.  Maybe you'll speak to them through a song, friends, an event they attend, something they see on the internet, anything you need to draw them closer to you, use it, and help me to trust you with them.  You know how hard it is for me to trust anybody with my sweet babies, but in you I will trust.

Help me to trust you regarding our finances because I want to be an example to others in a good way regarding money.  We seem to always have just enough, not a dime more and that keeps me stressed and focused on money way too much.  If there are opportunities that you want us to explore regarding ways to increase out income then let us recognize those opportunities and take action.  Even if you have a different role for me to play regarding our income potential, let me know and with your strength I will follow wherever you lead.

With my health, I must trust you.  I've had a rough few years or so and at this point I am doing everything I can to contribute to my wellness but as you know, I still have some concerns.   Help me feel however you need me to feel and let me be okay with whatever you decide.  If being forty-five means feeling tired so much even thought I lift weights a few times a week and get some kind of exercise with my dog each day then let me be satisfied with that.  You know how I am, God, in my head I still feel like a teenager sometimes so maybe I need to get real about my expectations of the way I should feel or maybe, just maybe, you'll help me find ways to feel even better.

Whatever you decide -  however you need to work things, I surrender it all to you because I trust you.



2 Timothy 1:7 (New International Version)
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.

Listening

"So far, so good."

If I were to expand on that just a pinch I'd say, "So far, so worth it."

This beautiful sunny day marks day fourteen in my thirty day blogged journey of sharing my conversational type of prayer. I didn't start out on this road with any definite goal in mind other than to answer the nagging tug on my heart that I've been experiencing more than ever. I'm on this journey because I'm just trying to do whatever I can in order to relieve the tug.

The tug has been more intense these days, which now that I stop to think about it, has me a bit concerned as I haven't been able to handle it as I typically do which is to either ignore it, set it aside as something to do later or bury it with hurried and constant activity.  

My experiences with God in the past tell me that if he's tugging this hard, he's got something to teach me and it will be best for me to just be still and listen.

So, here I sit, listening.

Dear God, 

I am listening.  

I can't fully explain it but you now have my attention in a way that I've not allowed in years.  Sure, I've prayed and even wrote things down here and there to remind myself of specific things that I want to bring to you in prayer. I've said prayers for friends or family that have asked me to specifically pray for them.  I've prayed before my meals and I've said prayers each night, but for some reason, I am experiencing this idea that you desire more than that. 

I keep being reminded through little things like sermons I happen to hear, shows on television or books and articles that find their way to my attention, that you desire a more personal relationship than what I have been sharing with you.  It has made me think more intentionally about how I pray and I'm concluding that you and I have been more like the casual acquaintances that run into each other at the mall and mention how we miss each other and really should get together but never actually do anything to make those, well meaning but entirely misrepresented, exchanges come to pass. Oh, no.

Oh, no, God!  I didn't mean for this to happen to us, again. 

Now I remember a time in my life when this distance had come between us and just as you're doing now, you did whatever it took to reel me back in.  I remember the music club I had tried because of the great freebie offer that I couldn't resist that ended up delivering a CD that, song by song, drew me to a place where I could no longer pretend that it wasn't anything special between you and I.   I remember the devotional Bible with that pretty pink cover that for some unknown reason at the time, I picked up for myself and began craving so much that I would find myself reading days and days beyond the prescribed daily read because even in my dutiful christian life, I was starving for more.  I certainly hadn't needed another Bible but I undeniably had needed more of you.

Why you would want us to become closer and know me more intimately escapes me if I base it on myself because I know how flawed I am and so do you.  But as I write these words to you it becomes so clear that it isn't about me as much as it is about who you are and your generous nature as a loving, Heavenly Father.

I have to say this, God, that in drawing me closer to you through this shared - just 'talk to you' kind of - prayer, I am learning something new every single day and sensing something more glorious about my ordinary life.  

I am definitely better off than when I started this journey and so I will gladly continue because answering this tug on my heart is so worth it.

Everything I Need to Know I'm Learning From My Dog

He stands there in front of our slider wearing an intent fixed gaze looking past the crepe myrtles and tropical lollypop tree, with only one thing on his mind - SQUIRREL!  Not once does he hesitate and reflect back to the many, many, many times before that he's shot out of the door towards that squirrel, like an unstoppable racehorse out of the gate, and not even come close to catching it.

No, just like every other time, his chocolate brown eyes are focused and his mind is set.

One quick glance at his furry little determined face is all that it takes to know exactly what he's thinking, "Just as soon as somebody opens this sliding door for me, I imagine him saying to himself if he could talk, I'm going to get that squirrel!"

I can't begin to tell you how much pleasure Bear-bear, our dog, has brought to our family.  Like most four-leggers of the dog species, he's incredibly happy all of the time, and he loves us, without question.

He's always ready to play whenever the whim happens to cross anybodies mind and he's more than happy to shake hands with everyone he meets.  You can easily envision his entire being transporting to a heavenly place at the mere mention of a bite of chicken and when he hears the 'wuh' sound at the beginning of the word, walk, you would swear that somebody just told him he'd won the chicken treat lotto or something.

There is pure joy to be found by Bear-bear in even the slightest hint of something good.

Oh, to be more like Bear-bear.

Dear God,

How complicated I tend to make even the simplest of things... when will I ever learn to look at life a bit more like Bear-bear, with eyes that see the possibility of something wonderful in every opportunity?

I realize that my brain is not wired in black and white so much as Bear-bears, but I'm convinced inside this head of mine filled with ever thinking gray matter, that you never intended for my thoughts to be filled with so many, uncertain and questionable, gray areas.  I think I need to learn to appreciate more of life for what it is and live in the moment instead of analyzing every detail and weighing every probable outcome before taking a step.

At the mention of the word 'beach', God, help me to begin looking for my flip-flops instead of ruling it out because it takes thirty-five minutes on Route 44 to get there.  When my sweet Sydney is at the computer and yells, "Mom, come look!", help me to put down whatever, not all that important, thing that I'm working on and share a moment with my precious and intricately wired, baby girl.  Each day as Mike is all sleepy headed and loving when I wake him up for his last semester of high school, let me stop my multitasking mind and sit myself down on the edge of his bead and savor  a second or two of my sweet disposition son who has greeted me with a welcoming heart  and open arms practically every morning of his entire wonderful life.

When my dear husband, who has walked down every road you could ever imagine with me, stands behind me and wraps his arms snuggly around my waist to say goodbye before leaving for work, let me drop the breakfast dishes gently into the sink, dry my hands and hug him back, fiercely, with complete abandon that lets him know for certain that I love him with all of my heart and I am so thankful that you decided to make him my guy.


As for you, God, I want to sense even the slightest nudge against my heart, whenever you are trying to get my attention towards something or someone that is important to you.  I want you to know that I am a ready, willing and able child of yours who wants to live my life to the fullest, which I believe means that I must be completely open to your spirit and constantly aware of you.

Misguided Yesterdays - Day 12 of 30

Something hit me this morning, an idea, I mean.

I realized that while I am pecking away at this keyboard trying to share some of this thirty days of conversational prayer experience with you, I'm not sure that I've ever explained what drove me to this place of recognizing that something in my life needed to change and that maybe, just maybe, I needed to put some real focus on the verb, prayer.

Since moving to Florida some six years ago, I've felt a bit out of sorts.  Lots of memories, family and friends left behind in the northwest suburbs of Chicago, but honestly, they'd been somewhat left behind long before we headed south.

Life had just about beat me down prior to our move.  I had been involved in quite a few exciting opportunities that ended up being filled with pain rather than the anticipated reward.

In one incident a very dear friend who was going through a particularly trying time in her life had gotten angry with me and told me that she had thought I understood pain since I had lost my son and everything, but obviously, I didn't.

Those words had been completely unexpected because she was one person who had stood by my side, all along the way, throughout the months of sickness and loss of my Ryan.  I had failed in my efforts to be there for her in her situation and honestly, what hurt me the most was not that I had failed her but that she had mentioned Ryan in that way.  I tried to make it that it hurt me most that I had failed her, but that was just a lie I had told myself because that was much easier to sort out than the truth of what really hurt.  I selectively packed those painful words up in my trunk and moved them to the Sunshine State.

Another painful thing that happened was when it had been suggested that my volunteer serving at church was for the purpose of getting my name up in lights, so to speak.   I had only been at the church for a short time and because doors had been opening for me that hadn't opened so quickly for others, disgruntled voices started to murmur and the once wide opened doors quickly slammed shut.  It was as if everything good in my life began toppling over like the effect of the first fallen domino towards that long and winding unprotected row of dominoes.

Add this interpersonal and church life stuff to the fact that my husband and I were self employed in an industry that, in our experience, seemed to have suffered greatly after 911. Budgets were tightened and the dollars for artwork became fewer and far between. Making ends meet became nearly impossible.

So, life being as disheveled as it had been, upside down and totally stressed, when an offer to relocate came - Joe and I grabbed the rope and started to climb.

Our home sold in one day.  We found our new Florida home in just one day.  Obviously, we were suppose to make the move, or so we thought  as these events happened so effortlessly we took them as some kind of sign.

To my dismay,  I now see that all of that pain that I thought we had left safely behind us had somehow slipped into the boxes of too much stuff that we had loaded into the moving van.   Joe and I thought we were simply leaving the old and welcoming the new with open arms, but really, we were running while dragging it all with us, every single hurt and disappointment clung to our tired bones.

You can't run away from the hurts in life - you just can't.  Hurts in life don't follow you, they ride safely, day in and day out, in the depths of your heart.  Until you let them go, once and for all, they are like cancer. Left unidentified and intact, hurts of the past destroy.

Dear God.  I am so grateful for this day because you have led my heart to share the hurt of the past so that I can finally set myself free.  I never, ever recognized how much the past had been holding me back until just now.  Sometimes I guess this somewhat bright woman can be a little dim.  Sorry it took me so long.

I know that I just touched on the tip of the iceberg regarding the mammoth size snowball of discouraging events that rolled over my family and I prior to our move to Florida, but you know every detail.  Not only do you know every detail, you alone have the power to see my sadness, love me anyhow and stand me back on my determined feet again.   Because I am recognizing my need for you and telling you how I feel and how I need your help to move forward, you will hear my cry and answer me.

Yesterday is  thankfully over and this new day belongs to you. Thank you for the sunrise that marks the start of a new beginning, again and again, day after day.  Thanks for the springtime - even down here in this warm weather climate, the freshness of spring can practically be tasted, if feels that promising - it restores my hope.

“Hear my cry, O Lord; attend unto my prayer.  From the ends of the Earth, will I cry unto Thee, for when my heart is overwhelmed; lead me to the rock that is higher than I.  For Thou has been a shelter for me, and a strong tower from the enemy.”  Psalms 61: 1-3


Here's a fitting song...
It's beautiful... give it a listen and get your heart moving.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OnGYZC7_ReU

Time is on My Side

Wow, I have to admit that I'm a bit shaken by the irony.  I was nearly finished with this blog entry until I hit Save,  when in an instant, my entire entry vanished. I've tried everything to retrieve the original entry to no avail!  It's funny because I'd been writing about, of all things, time.  Now time has once again managed to slip through my fingers as I'm now rewriting today's entry. 

I had referred to a portion of that Steve Jobs quote from the other day...

"Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. 

And most important, have the courage to 

follow your heart and intuition."

You're right, there's no mention of time in this quote, but following your heart can take quite some time, a lifetime, in fact. I've spent years trying to listen to my inner voice and follow my heart. In doing this heart following thing, I've often wrestled with conflicting opinions regarding how I have chosen to spend the majority of time.
According to many, my time would have been better spent doing other than what I have done. To me, deep down to the core of me, I believe differently. Still, it sort of stings a bit when I see the looks of shock and surprise when I share that I am primarily, a stay at home, Mom_ a homemaker.  Other than occasional freelance opportunities of writing or illustration projects and my new venture in selling my artwork through Etsy, Michael, Sydney & Joe have had my full time attention.  From the looks on people's faces, I could surely be spending my valuable time on more substantial and certainly more lucrative, pursuits. 
When it comes to the topic of time, society has a huge impact on how we all see, use and value our time. The following everyday phrases spell it out, loud and clear:

Time well spent...

A time and season for everything...

In due time...

Time out...

Halftime...
Part time...
Full time...

Time and time again...

Desperate times call for desperate measures...

Time flies...

Time flies when you're having fun...

Longtime friends...

Time heals all wounds...

Time is money...

Only time will tell...

Killing time...

Time's a wastin'...

No time like the present...
Borrowed time...

Timing is everything...

One more for that list. My husband uses a phrase, "time burglar". He's referring to things that consume gobs of time before a person even realizes it.  For example, FaceBook, Twitter and MySpace can be real time burglars.

There's a slue of songs that underscore our emphasis on time:
Summertime...

A Time for Us...

Nick of Time...

Time Passages...

Time After Time...

Time in a Bottle...

First Time Ever I Saw Your Face...

Too Much Time on my Hands...

One Day at a Time...

Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?...


Face it, how we're spending our time is never far from our thoughts_  even in our music, we're constantly encouraged to make every minute count. 
Joyfully, I've focussed the majority of the past two decades on breakfast time, lunchtime, snack time, dinnertime, time out, playtime, quality time, nap time and bedtime. 
Thoughtfully, I'm walking through each day, recognizing that since time never stands still, the time has come to once and for all, put the noise of other's opinions to rest and focus on some genuine and much needed quiet time, wholeheartedly celebrating this precious inner voice of mine.


Dear God, I have to say thank you.  Thank you for giving me the courage to listen to my inner voice that has guided me towards irreplaceable time shared with my family.  When conflicting ideas sought to tear down the role I play, you helped me stand strong and guard the lifestyle I have chosen.
While I've been home with my family, I have not gone to the place of deciding the role others should play as I respect and appreciate so many professional women who are very dear friends.  I celebrate these women, just  as I celebrate my own contribution.  Let them continue on their chosen paths and allow them every reward possible.
I know I could ask you to work on the hearts of the ones who happen to disagree with my choice to be a homemaker, but I don't need to go there because you are taking perfectly great care of my own heart, which is the only heart for which I am accountable. Help me to forgive and love all who don't understand and oppose my decisions.
Thank you for the creative resources you've provided to allow me this pleasure of being a stay at home Mom and wife.  While it may not be the popular choice, it has been a precious and powerful journey for me and I will be forever grateful.
Watch over my friends and family today, God. Remind each of them how wonderful they are and how you care about the unique inner voice of every person. Give each one a heart that wants to hear and the courage to listen.